


What Happened to Spock?

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Brief suicidal thoughts, Broken Bond, De-Aged Spock, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Kid Fic, M/M, Medical Trauma, Mental Instability, Sacrifice, Soul Bond, Space Husbands, T'hy'la, Weird Unexplained Plant Science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2018-10-01 18:06:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 19,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10195838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: After a mission, Spock is not himself.This is the fall out





	1. Chapter 1

“He’s in there.”

Jim glanced to where Bones pointed. A room off the main part of the sickbay. He made himself nod but he stepped toward the room with no little trepidation. He swiped his hand across the scanner and the door slid open.

Jim had been half expecting him to be standing there in miniature versions of the uniform pants, boots and blue tunic. But no he wore jeans and a gray sweater with athletic shoes. He had a brief bemused moment of wondering who had dressed him. He would guess Nurse Chapel.

“Hello,” he said softly to the small boy in the room.

The boy, a Vulcan, tilted his head very slightly in curiosity. “Good afternoon.”

Jim smiled slightly. “I’m Captain Kirk.”

“I guessed as much. I am Spock.”

He approached this little version of his first officer and crouched down beside him. “Yes, I know.”

“I am on the Enterprise?”

“That’s right. Do you-do you remember how you got here?”

“I do not. I recall waking up in the medical unit and a doctor greeted me saying that his name was Leonard McCoy.” Spock paused. “I asked to speak to either my mother or father and was told that I had to wait to speak with you, Captain Kirk. A nurse brought me these clothes because I was only wearing a hospital gown. I do not seem to be injured.”

“It’s a little complicated, Spock,” Jim whispered. “You aren’t exactly injured.”

“Then may I leave this place? I request that my parents come to pick me up.”

“Your parents aren’t on board,” Jim said gently.

“Oh. How did I come to be on this vessel without my parents?”

“You…stay with me. Or you did.” Jim rubbed his chest. “There are things I wish I could tell you. I can only say right now that you used to be different and Bones is not certain he can get you to that point again.”

“Bones?”

“Leonard McCoy.”

“Then you are my guardian on this ship?” He was impossibly, sweetly young. Just a child. Probably no more than nine or ten, was Bones’ guess.

Jim had no idea what to do with any of this. “Yes. You and I are bo—um, yes, I am responsible for you here.”

“I do not recall you.”

And that ached, though Jim couldn’t do anything about that. “I know. You must be frightened."

“Negative. I am not. Vulcans do not become frightened. And anyway, I do not think you would harm me.”

“I would not.” Jim would rather cut off his own appendages than hurt Spock.

“Will you take me to where I am staying then? I do not like it here.”

“You can leave for now but you might have to come back here if Bones figures out how to reverse-how to fix this.”

“Very well.” Spock nodded. “I stay with you?”

“Well you do or did, yeah. But, um, I’m not sure if you still will.”

“If you are my guardian, I should stay with you.”

Jim nodded and stood. “All right, come with me, for now.”

He reached his hand out for the boy and for a moment, Spock hesitated, but then he put his hand in Jim’s and Jim led him from the sickbay.    
  


	2. Chapter 2

Spock looked around the cabin that the captain referred to as his “quarters”. It was smaller than Spock’s room at home but otherwise it was acceptable.

There was one large bed and then a desk with a terminal, a couch with a table in front of it, a closet and a dresser for clothes. On the walls were various decorations and Spock noted a Vulcan lyre.

“That is Vulcan,” Spock pointed to it.

Captain Kirk smiled. He had a nice smile, this human. “Yes, I know. There’s a few other Vulcan things in here too.”

“Are they mine?”

“Yeah. So, um, listen, I guess—you will sleep on the couch bed. It has a pull out bed there.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. Will we contact my parents to advise them I am safe?”

“Bones…Doctor McCoy will take care of that.”

“I suppose with us being in space it will be difficult for them to arrange to come on board at this point.”

Spock walked over to the dresser and opened a drawer.

“Hey. What are you doing?”

Spock glanced over at Captain Kirk. “I am looking for where my clothing is kept. These appear to be all adult clothing.” He opened every drawer and then shook his head. He walked over to the closet.

“Spock, don’t open…that.”

Spock frowned. Next to the gold shirts that were similar to what Captain Kirk wore at present were blue shirts of the same fashion although the stripes were not the same. “Do you sometimes wear blue, Captain?”

Kirk came over to the closet and closed the door. “Yeah something like that. And you may as well call me Jim.”

“I was taught to respect my elders,” Spock explained. “Where are my clothes, sir?”

Captain Kirk licked his lips rather nervously and turned away. “Uh. We’ll have to get you some new ones. Your other ones are, well, they aren’t wearable.”

“Then they were destroyed in the accident I had that had me waking up in the medical unit?”

“Sickbay. Yes. Something like that,” Kirk said for the second time. He began to pace in front of the bed and Spock wondered what made this human so agitated. “Are you hungry?”

Spock thought about it. “I do find that my stomach appears to be empty.”

“Okay you want spiced tea or something?”

“I am only permitted to drink that for special occasions as I am considered too young for it. Generally I am given juice from the Vulcan fruit—”

“We don’t have that. I could give you water.”

“That is acceptable,” Spock agreed. He watched as the captain went to the contraption against the wall. “Is that a replicator?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I have heard they have those on ships, though I have never personally experienced one. My father is ambassador to Earth, but I have never gone there.”

“Right.” Kirk thrust the glass of water at him. “I can make you some pasta with vegetables.”

“That would be pleasant. May I speak to my mother via video conferencing?”

Captain Kirk visibly paled. It was a most bizarre reaction. “Not-not right now, Spock. We’re out of range for that.”

“Oh.” Spock nodded.

Captain Kirk rubbed his temples.

“Are you in pain, Captain?”

“Migraine.”

“Perhaps Doctor McCoy can give you something for that. What do you call him? Bones?”

“Yeah.” He smiled just a bit.

“Bones. He is a friend?”

“Yes and the chief medical officer on the ship.”

 “He seems to be very nice,” Spock said politely. He watched as Captain Kirk returned to the replicator and punched a few buttons. “You will dine with me?”

“Sure.”

“What will you have?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really hungry. My stomach is…well, anyway.”

“Your stomach is?” Spock prodded.

“A little queasy.” Kirk waved at his stomach as if that explained it. “I’ll just have some tea. Sit down there at the desk with your water.”

Spock did as the captain said and waited patiently as the pasta with vegetables was brought to him. He liked this captain. He was nice.    
  


	3. Chapter 3

“That was good,” little Spock announced as he finished the last of his pasta and vegetables. He’d eaten every bite and finished all of his water as well.

“More water?” Jim asked.

“Not at present.”

In so many ways this little version of his husband was like an exact replica. He could completely see what brought this boy to the husband he was used to.

But if Bones couldn’t reverse what happened to Spock, then Spock would go through the aging process from a child all over again and well…Jim would be forced to move on without him. That was Jim’s reality.

A reality that sucked.

“Are you quite certain you do not require nourishment at this time, Captain? You look a little pale and tired.”

He was pretty sure food right now would make him vomit. Ever since they’d brought little Spock back up from the surface of that cursed planet, Jim had been sick to his stomach. It was getting worse not better and his head was pounding. He suspected it had something to do with their thoroughly thrashed bond. He could feel that it had changed and not at all for the good.

“Yeah, not right now.” Jim rose and picked up Spock’s empty plate and put it the chute for dishes.

He was going to have to report this to Starfleet and he didn’t want to have to. He had people down on the planet even now trying to figure out what the hell had happened. Spock had stepped through some sort of arch and a beam of light had enveloped him. Since then, numerous others had tried to duplicate the action and nothing had happened. But Spock…well, here he was.

“What will I wear to bed?”

“Bed.”

“Yes. What do I normally wear?”

“Vulcan robes, I guess.”

Spock nodded. “Very well. Where are they?”

Get it together, Jim. So you don’t know how to deal with kids. But you were a kid yourself once. And, um, this was still Spock.

The door chimed, saving Jim somehow from having to immediately respond.

“Open,” he commanded.

The door slid open and Christine Chapel stepped inside holding a bundle of clothing in her arms. “Good evening, Captain.”

“Hi, Christine.”

She smiled down at Spock. “Well, hello again, Spock.”

“Ms. Chapel.”

“I brought clothing for Spock to wear. Mostly replicated things.” She put the bundle down on the desk. “I was wondering if you would rather have Spock stay with me, Captain. Temporarily, of course, under the circumstances.”

“Well—” Jim watched as Spock’s dark eyes widened. Part of him wanted to scream yes, because then he wouldn’t have to deal with it. But that was cowardly, anyway. And surely he owed this to Spock. “It’s up to Spock what he wants to do.”

Spock quickly glanced at him then back to Christine. “I would prefer to stay with the captain.” He paused, looking briefly uncertain. “Unless it would interfere with the operation of the ship.”

“It shouldn’t for now,” Jim replied softly.

Nurse Chapel smiled. “That’s fine then. Let me know if you change your mind.” She picked up something from the bundle of clothes. “Here’s your sleeping robe.”

“That is very kind of you,” Spock said with extreme politeness.

“I’ll check with you tomorrow,” Christine promised, then she nodded at Jim. “Goodnight, Captain.”

“Goodnight, Christine.”

After the door closed and they were once more alone, Spock said, “She is enamored of you.”

Jim laughed at that. “No. She is enamored of y—well someone else. I assure you. Not me. She’s nice though and an excellent nurse.”

“Indeed,” little Spock agreed. “May I go into the bathroom to change into my sleeping robe?”

“Oh. Sure. Whatever you want.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

Jim once more found himself feeling bemused as he watched the little Vulcan head into the bathroom with the robe. He sat on the end of his bed and buried his head in his hands.

If he was forced to let Spock go, how the hell would he be able to say goodbye?


	4. Chapter 4

Spock came out of the bathroom to find the captain staring at a small table and chairs set with a three-dimensional chess game. It appeared to be in progress. He walked over.

“You play chess, Captain?’

“Sometimes, yeah.”

“This game is in progress. Who were you playing with?”

He smiled just a little. “You, actually.”

Spock felt an odd ache in his side and in his head he could not explain. “I-I do not recall. Why is it I do not remember that or even coming aboard this ship?”

Captain Kirk appeared to hesitate before looking away. “It’s complicated.”

“You said that before.”

“And it still is.”

Spock nearly gave into frustration. “Why do adults have to try to hide things from us?”

“Because sometimes it’s in your best interest,” Kirk replied, moving away from the table. “If-If things do not change soon, I will tell you, but for now, you have to just trust me.”

“Very well. I do trust you, sir.” Spock studied the game. He knew chess but it appeared this particular match was well-advanced from his level of play. He had been improving in his matches with Father but not this much. “Your method is quite chaotic,” he murmured.

“Yeah, well.” Kirk smiled at this, though it seemed devoid of merriment or even warmth.

“You are sad.”

But the captain shook his head in immediate denial. “No. Are you ready for bed? Or did you want to meditate first?”

“Generally I meditate in the morning. I am ready to retire. I am tired. Perhaps from whatever ordeal I have had to endure.”

The captain walked over to the couch and pulled off the cushions and then unfolded it. “This hasn’t really ever been used so I can’t vouch for how comfortable it is.”

Spock’s brows furrowed in confusion. “I thought you had indicated I slept here.”

“Right. Right. I meant I’ve never used it. Me. So I don’t know whether it’s comfortable or not.” Kirk ran his fingers through his hair. “Listen, I—”

The captain’s door chimed and he looked relieved. “Enter.”

The Doctor from earlier walked in.

“Bones,” Kirk whispered, reverently.

“Bones” gave the captain a rather gentle smile as he stepped closer to the two of them. He squeezed Kirk’s shoulder. “How are you holding up?’

“Going a little crazy,” Kirk said very softly, as though he didn’t want Spock to hear him.

“You need anything?”

The captain looked as though maybe he was going to say he did, but then he very slowly shook his head. “I’ll try not to be too long. Thanks for coming.”

Which told Spock the captain was leaving. And he did not know why but it caused a sense of sudden panic in him.

“Where are you going?” he demanded, and then winced at his own tone. It could be considered disrespectful.

“I need to do some reports,” Kirk told him. “I’ll be back. Bones is going to stay with you while I’m gone.”

“I could go with you.”

“It’s all right, Spock,” Doctor Bones said. “He won’t be gone long.”

“But I—” Spock stopped. He did not know how to finish that sentence. He just knew he didn’t want to let the captain out of his sight. But as he began to feel more and more agitated, Captain Kirk looked more and more relieved to be leaving him behind. The door swished open and he left.

“Now then,” the doctor said, kindly. “You were about to go to bed?”

Spock nodded slowly, twisting his hands together and staring at the door. “When will Captain Kirk return?”

“As soon as he’s finished with his duties,” Bones said. “He’s the captain of this ship, Spock, and he has a lot to do. A lot of responsibilities. You can understand that, right?”

“Yes. I…” Spock sat on the bed. He had no real reason to feel agitated. Or he didn’t think so anyway. “Where are my parents?”

“I’m certain we’ll be in contact with your father soon. Why don’t you go to sleep? I’m sure Jim will be back when you wake up.”

Spock nodded and got into bed. The doctor began to scan him. Spock arched a brow.

Bones smiled. “Just making sure you’re doing okay, Spock. Nothing to worry about.”

Spock didn’t know how he knew, but he knew Bones was lying. He should be worried.      


	5. Chapter 5

Jim stopped outside the door of his quarters—their quarters—and put his hand there for a moment, just…well he didn’t really know what the point was. He couldn’t go back there. Not yet. He was a damn coward and he knew it.

He turned away and stepped past there and to Spock’s old quarters, still unassigned since Spock had moved in with him.

A lot of Spock’s stuff was still there, too. It hadn’t all quite fit into Jim’s and they had decided they would deal with it when someone else needed the space.

They’d only been sleeping together for a couple of months when Spock had broached the subject of their bonding. They’d been in this room. In that bed. Jim had been drenched in sweat after Spock had fucked him for what seemed like hours.

And then—

_“I want us to bond.”_

Spock hadn’t even said he loved Jim at that point, but Jim had guessed that’s what it meant. He was aware in all the time he’d been with Uhura he had never mentioned bonding to her.

Jim had kissed Spock senseless which he guessed was his way of agreeing.

After that, things had moved very quickly. They’d gone to New Vulcan, with permission from Admiral Komack, and had the ceremony and the whole bonding sex thing. Then they’d gone back to the Enterprise and got Human married too just to make everything totally official all the way around.

And they’d settled into their life. Things were good. Really good.

Which, of course, was why Jim should have known. His life was cursed.    

No, some old crone wearing giant hoops in her ears hadn’t pulled Jim aside to warn him of the Kirk family curse or anything. But it was true, nonetheless.

Jim sat behind Spock’s desk. He still used it sometimes when Jim was using his. The whole damn room, really, smelled of Spock. _His_ Spock.  Not this miniature little version Jim simply had no idea what to do with.

Jim flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to the landing party.”

“Uhura here, Captain.”

“Report.”

There was a slight pause. It did not bode well and he knew it.

“We’ve tried everything, Captain. We can’t figure it out.” Another pause. “I’m sorry.”

He closed his eyes. “Any ideas?”

“Maybe if we send him through the arch again…maybe it would hit him again and reverse it? I don’t know, Jim. That’s all I’ve got. The science team is down here but none of them are as good as Spock is.”

“Spock was.”

“Yes,” she said softly. “No change up there at all?”

“No.”

“Jim, I—”

“In the morning, when he wakes I’ll have him brought down there. Kirk out.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Jenkins, Uhura’s relief at communications.

“Kirk here.”

“Incoming from Admiral Komack, sir.”

“Patch him through.”

Komack’s craggy face appeared on the terminal almost immediately.

“Sir.”

“No change in Commander Spock’s status?”

“No, sir.”

“I’ve informed Ambassador Sarek.”

“Sir?”

“Spock is his son, Jim. He deserves to know. Especially if this is irreversible.”

_God, please, don’t let it be that._

“He said he will be in contact with you,” Komack said. “You look like hell.”

“I’ve had better days.”

“Jim, I’m going to be blunt here. You know I rarely mince words. If this cannot be reversed, Spock is off the Enterprise.”

“It will be reversed,” Jim insisted stubbornly.

Komack nodded. “That is the outcome we all want. Commander Spock is an excellent officer and you make a superior command team. And we approved your official relationship because it was good for morale and, frankly, looks good for the Federation. We haven’t regretted that decision. But the fact of the matter is, we cannot allow Spock to stay on board the Enterprise as he currently is.”

“Sir—”

“Jim, be reasonable here. You’re the captain of the ship. You have the responsibility for the lives of every man and woman on board, not just Spock. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one in this instance. You made a commitment, son, and I intend to see that you stick with it. Children have no place on starships, no matter what the younger generation thinks these days. Even children that used to be former officers. And we can’t have you stay there indefinitely either. You have three more days there to try and figure this out and then I’m ordering you to Space Station Maribella.”

Jim frowned. “Maribella?”

Komack nodded. “There Ambassador Sarek will take possession of his minor son.”

_You can’t fall apart here, Jim. You can’t. Don’t show weakness. Don’t._

Komack had the grace to look sympathetic and apologetic. “I’m sorry, Jim. I know this is hard for you. How is your bond doing? I don’t know much about that sort of thing.”

It was killing him, really. It was like a dark void in his head or maybe a sickness swirling inside. The depression alone from it was crushing. He recalled reading at the time of his bonding that ruptured bonds could cause bondmates to contemplate suicide and go mad. He’d thought at the time that was only for Vulcans. He no longer thought that.

“Fine, Sir,” Jim lied. Komack wasn’t going to get the satisfaction of knowing he was crumbling.

“Hopefully this will all be completely unnecessary and Spock will wake up back to himself in the morning.” Komack tried for a smile but it was clear even he knew he had failed. “Keep me posted, Jim.”

“Yes, Admiral.”

And Komack was gone.

Jim felt like he had been stabbed in the heart.

He was going to have to tell Spock all this. He had been trying to spare Spock from knowing the truth, but it wasn’t going to work. If he had to leave Spock on Maribella with Sarek, Jim was going to have to tell him.

Jim leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes.

For now, he needed to get back to his little husband.

_Fuck me._

He rose and turned off the lights of Spock’s old quarters on his way out.

“He’s asleep,” Bones whispered when he got to his own cabin. He gaze searched Jim. “You look like death warmed over.”

Jim pointed at his head.

“The bond?”

“I think so.”

“Think pain killers will help?”

“Doubtful. It’s all this mental shit.”

Bones grimaced. “I should never have given the okay for this. You’re a human. This is fucking you up, Jim.”

“None of us could have known this was going to happen.” Jim suddenly couldn’t handle it anymore and he leaned into his best friend. Bones was clearly surprised but his arms came instantly around Jim. “Komack says I have three days.”

“And then what?”

“He’ll separate us.”

“Bastard. I never did like him.”

“It’s-it’s the right thing to do, Bones. I don’t know anything about raising a Vulcan child. And I have the crew and the ship and it’s just…I can’t do this.”

“You can cry if you need to, Jim.”

Jim pushed away then. “No, I can’t. I can’t let go.”

“Yes, you can.”

“No, Bones. If I do, I won’t get back.” Even as he said it, Jim knew it was true. He wouldn’t get back to himself if he gave in to this despair. He _had_ to keep it together or the madness would consume him.

He looked at the Vulcan boy sleeping. Sweet and innocent. He tried to find his Spock somewhere there but he couldn’t. Spock was lost to him. And somehow, he knew it.

“He’s cute,” Jim whispered.

Bones smiled a little. “Yeah, he is. Don’t tell him I said that. It’s going to be okay, Jim. We’ll get him back. Somehow. I know we will.”

Jim nodded. He didn’t believe it. He nodded anyway. “Yeah, thanks, Bones. I’ve got this. You can go now.”

Bone squeezed his arm, and Jim let him, even though that was almost too much, and after Bones left, Jim approached the bed and stared down at the little Vulcan. He bent down and placed a kiss on Spock’s forehead.   


	6. Chapter 6

Jim had been wary, initially, of bonding with his first officer. Not because he didn’t want such a commitment. Sure, that was scary enough. And not because his memories and life had been so fucked up. Spock knew all that. Not even because it was weird for a human to have another presence in their head.

Really, he had just been scared.

Not of Spock. But for Spock. He knew the kind of bond Spock wanted was permanent. Or was supposed to be anyway. For his logical Vulcan lover, it would be. And if he bound himself so thoroughly to Jim, there would be no escape for him should be determine Jim sucked after all, as most did.

In the end, he agreed to it. For Spock seemed to want it so much.

It had been glorious.

_“How do you feel?” Spock asked, caution in his tone, as he cradled Jim’s face in his, as they stood on New Vulcan, following the ceremony._

_“Great. I feel great.”_

_“Indeed?”_

_Jim grinned. “It’s amazing. I love it.”_

_Spock had allowed himself a small smile. “I am gratified.”_

_“And-and for you?”_

_Spock closed his eyes. “Better than I ever imagined. It feels like home.”_

But now…

It was darkness and pain. A gaping hole in Jim’s mind where Spock had been. He didn’t have any idea of the logistics. Why it had interfered with the bond when Spock had been de-aged. But it had.

Jim stood in the transporter room, prepared to go down to the planet surface himself for answers. He had to do something. He was running out of time. Spock was. And he was going to have to tell Spock everything. And how he would get through it, Jim didn’t know.

“Jim? What are you doing here?” Bones asked. He’d been preparing to go down to the surface with yet another landing party made of a team of experts, wanting to see firsthand the device that rendered Spock a child.

“Just what you are,” Jim replied. “I’m going down.”

“To do?”

“I don’t know, Bones. But I can’t just sit around on the bridge doing nothing. And I-I can’t be with him. Not like he is.”

“Jim—”

“I know you think it’s awful that I can’t deal with him as a kid. And you’re right. It is. But I can’t.” Jim looked away.

“Who is he with?”

“Uhura.”

Bones shook his head. “He’s her ex. I’m sure it’s bound to be hard for her too.”

“Maybe. But she volunteered.” Jim stepped up onto the transporter. “Let’s get this over with.”

Bones followed him up along with the other members of the team and a short few seconds later they were beamed to the surface.

For a while, Jim watched everyone else doing their job, unsuccessfully. Experiment after experiment proved futile. He was losing what last shred of hope he’d had. He sat down heavily on a rock, staring at the formation, the archway, that had changed Spock.

“Why don’t you go back up to the Enterprise, Jim?” Bones asked, squeezing Jim’s shoulder. “You must be bored down here.”

Bored? He was staring at something that had changed his life in a blink of an eye. Seemingly forever. He wanted to go through it himself. Would it change him to a child? Maybe they could grow up together.

He stood and brushed off his pants.

Bones looked relieved. “Going back up?”

“No. I’m going through that thing.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Maybe it will change me.”

Bones grabbed his arm. “You can’t do that. You’re the captain of this ship and you have responsibilities other than Spock.”

“It’s done nothing since it changed Spock. It probably won’t do anything to me either.”

“But you don’t know that. Jim, if you don’t start behaving like the goddamn captain, I’ll relieve you of duty as being unfit due to emotional compromise.”

“Fuck you and let me go.” Jim wrenched his arm out of Bones’ grasp. He made it over to the archway and stepped into it. Stopped there. Waited. And as everyone stared at him warily…exactly nothing happened.

With his face feeling like it was made out of stone, he stepped back out of it. He flipped open his communicator.

Bones looked at him with very sad eyes. “Jim, I’m sorry.”

“Kirk to Enterprise. Beam me up.” And he reappeared on the transporter on the ship. And he wanted to cry. But he couldn’t. Instead he went to the bridge and tried to pretend he was numb.

****

When he made it to his quarters later, he leaned against the door instead of trying for immediate access. The void in his head was becoming more and more torturous. He was going to have to ask Sarek about-about…it made him sick to think about it.

He punched in his code and entered.

Uhura looked up from the book she held along with Spock as they sat on the couch. She gave him a strained and clearly relieved smile.

“Captain!” Spock called out, dropping the book in her lap and standing to greet Jim. “You are finished with your duty?”

“Yeah.” He tried for a smile. “Uhura?”

She set the book down and made her way over to where Jim stood. “Nothing?”

He would have just shook his head but it hurt to do so. “Nothing. I’m going to talk to him now.”

“Want me to stay?”

“No.”

She searched his gaze, her eyes filling with tears. “Jim, I’m so sorry.”

He nodded. Was sorry he did.

“Spock-he-he loves you.”

“I know.” He squeezed her arm. “Thanks for watching him.”

“You don’t look well,” she whispered.

“I think the bond is twisted or gone or something. I don’t know. If-if I have to hand him over to Sarek on Maribella, I’m going to ask Sarek about dissolving the bond.”

Uhura gasped and put her hand to her mouth. “Oh Jim.”

“I can’t go on like this,” he told her softly. “I’m barely functional.”

She glanced behind her and noticed young Spock staring at them intently. “Comm me later?”

Jim nodded and watched as she left his quarters.

“Are you and the lieutenant together?” Spock asked instantly.

“No. We’re friends.” He made himself move away from the door even though he wanted to bolt through it. “Can you sit down, Spock?”

Spock returned to sitting on the couch. “Captain, may I speak freely?”

“Sure, go for it.”

“You appear to be unwell. Perhaps you should have visited with Doctor McCoy?”

“I saw him earlier,” Jim said, which wasn’t a lie, anyway. He sat in the chair across from the couch. “Okay, listen. I thought I could avoid telling you all this. I thought maybe Bones could fix things, but, well, it’s looking less and less like that’s going to happen.”

“Clarify.”

Jim blew out a breath. “I’m trying. Spock, you aren’t a little boy.”

Spock tilted his head in the exact same way his Spock would and it made Jim ache. “Explain.”

“You are a commander with Starfleet and are the science officer on the Enterprise and also first officer. You are an adult male Vulcan. Or you were. You were taking part in an exploratory mission when you were attacked by some unknown entity that rendered you as a child again.”

Spock stared at him. “I see.”

“And, um, there’s more.”

“More?”

“We’re—you and I are-were married. Bonded.”

“You are my husband?” Spock asked, clearly confused.

“Not anymore,” Jim whispered. He wet his lips. “You’re a child. So.”

“If it is reversed—”

“It-it doesn’t seem like it can be.” Jim rubbed his temples. “My orders are to take you to Space Station Maribella in three-now two days-to be reunited with your father.”

Spock seemed to take that in. Then he said, “And my mother? She will be there also?”

_Fuck._

“Your mom…can’t be there.”

“Why not?”

“Spock, she-she died.” It hurt to say it. More than it hurt before. God, he was a mess. And Spock was staring at him now with a lost look that tore at Jim’s heart.

“I do not understand.”

“I know. I don’t either.” He pointed to the terminal at his desk. “You can-you can access files and maybe read up on things.”

“I was bonded to a Vulcan female named T’Pring,” Spock said then. “I recall what the touch of our minds felt like when it occurred. I do not feel that now.”

“You aren’t bonded to her anymore.”

Spock got up from the couch and walked over to Jim’s chair. His little hand touched Jim’s face. His eyes were Spock’s but that was all that seemed familiar at all suddenly. “I do not feel a bond with you.”

“Yeah.” Jim gently took Spock’s hand away from his face. “It’s broken. Or something. I think when you were-were changed.”

“Your mind is disordered.”

Understatement of the year.

“Yeah,” was all Jim could say.

“Can I not stay on the Enterprise?”

He swallowed the lump forming. “Not as you are now. In three-two days we have to leave orbit of the planet that changed you and make for the Space Station.”

Spock did not respond to that. Didn’t even change expressions. Jim’s world was crumbling and Spock just looked like a logical Vulcan boy.

“May I communicate with my father?” he asked after a moment.

“Sure. You can contact him on the terminal there.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

Jim nodded as Spock passed by him to head to the terminal.

And all he could think was, he was right. The bond with Spock had been somehow broken. At least on Spock’s side. And Jim felt like he was being driven insane.    


	7. Chapter 7

“Jim.”

He didn’t even open his eyes at the sound of Bones’ voice. He leaned back against the archway, his knees drawn up to his chest. “I don’t need another lecture from you about my responsibilities.”

“I think maybe you do. Mind telling me what it is you think you’re doing?”

“Trying to save myself.”

“Jim.”

He opened his eyes and looked up at his glaring friend. “I know you don’t understand, okay? You’ve never even tried.”

“I’ve never tried? What’s that mean?”

“You don’t like Spock. You never did. And you never understood what I saw in him. You’re a goddamn doctor, why can’t you fix this?”

Bones’ jaw tightened. “First of all, I like Spock fine. I’ll admit I’m not sure he’s good for you and this…”— He gestured to Jim on the ground sitting in the archway—“is exactly why. And don’t you think if I could fix Spock I would? He’s my _friend_ , Jim. I know this is never what he would have wanted for himself, for you.”

“This is not fucking fair. I’ve waited my whole life for someone to love me and when-when someone finally does…” Jim’s throat closed and he turned his gaze away from Bones.

“Life isn’t fair sometimes, Jim. There aren’t any guarantees that you’ll have happiness. Yeah, it’s sad and tragic but some people don’t even get _five minutes_ of pure joy.  You’re responsible for the lives of hundreds of men and women. It can’t be about Spock no matter how much you want it to be. You have to get yourself together whether you damn well want to or not.”

“I’m out of time,” Jim whispered.

“Yes, you are.” Bones reached down and yanked Jim to his feet. “You don’t have any more time for wallowing. It’s time to leave orbit and head for Maribella. You have to do this, Captain.”

“I hate you,” Jim spat. “Right now, I fucking hate you.”

Bones gripped Jim’s arms. “I know you do.  But I also know you’re James Kirk and you’ll do the right thing because that’s all you can do.”

Jim closed his eyes. “Bones, I have to say goodbye to Spock.”

“I know,” his friend said softly.

“I don’t…how am I supposed to do this?”

Bones squeezed his arms. “That I don’t know. I can give you platitudes of if anyone can do this you can. But I know that’s not what you want to hear.”

“No,” Jim whispered.

“Come on, Jim. Let’s go home.”

He wanted to say the Enterprise wasn’t his home without Spock, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he let Bones call for beam up, keeping his gaze on the hated archway one last time as it faded away.

****

Jim kept child Spock away from him once he returned to the ship. Perhaps he was a coward, he didn’t know, but he had the child and his belongings, what he’d gained since he’d been there, moved to another cabin. One with other supervisors to look after him. He hadn’t even been able to tell Spock himself, he just let his yeoman tell Spock as he was moved out of Jim’s quarters. She’d moved adult Spock’s belongings too, but Jim didn’t know where to and he didn’t want to know.

Seeing those Science Blue uniform shirts had been torture.

He’d even had her take away Spock’s pillows. Yes, they’d still smelled of his former husband and bondmate, and that had been the problem. Whenever Jim smelled Spock or got a sense of Spock anywhere on the ship, he was in danger of losing his mind and breaking down. He couldn’t afford to do that. He’d never recover he was certain.

Some people found comfort in small things of the one they lost, but not Jim. It was just a horrible reminder of what he’d lost and could never have back, no matter how much he wished or prayed or demanded it would change.

As they got closer to Maribella, Jim was commed by Sarek. He did not want to talk to Spock’s father, but he had to. He knew it.

“Jim, you look…” Sarek’s voice trailed off.

“Yeah, I know. You’re prepared to receive your son on Maribella?”

“Affirmative.” Sarek hesitated for a fraction of a second. “I have also brought with me a Vulcan mind healer.”

Jim simply nodded.

“There is no easy way to say this, Jim. The healer will need to see you to remove all traces of the bond that may remain.”

Jim nodded again.

“Under the circumstances, Spock will be bonded to a Vulcan female near his current age as is customary. Especially given our current needs as a species. It is…unfortunate, but logical given that he cannot remain bonded to you as he is.”

“Will it be painful?” Jim forced himself to ask instead of nodding again like he wanted to. Speech seemed particularly difficult.

“Most certainly not,” Sarek replied. “In fact, I suspect you will receive some relief given the distress you are no doubt experiencing due to the damaged bond.” He paused again. “You are experiencing extreme discomfort?”

“Yes.”

“Unfortunately, that is because Spock did not bond with you as a child but as an adult. Your bond seeks a connection that is no longer there. Indeed, this is best for you, Jim.”

Sure it was. Best for him.

Jim nodded. “Very well.”

“Jim, I am—”

“I know,” he quickly cut off Sarek. He couldn’t bear to have one more person tell him how sorry he was. He held up his hand in the ta’al. “I’ll see you on Maribella. Live Long and Prosper.”

Sarek returned the gesture. “Live Long and Prosper.”

****

_“What is this?” Jim traced his fingertips over Spock’s left wrist. Across it was inked Vulcan writing. Though Jim was familiar with some of it, this seemed more complicated than his rudimentary skill._

_Spock, who lay on his stomach next to Jim, who lay on his side, leaned over to kiss Jim. “This dates back to ancient times before Surak.”_

_Jim smiled. “Yeah? What does it say?”_

_Spock’s dark gaze met his. “It says you belong to me.”_

_Jim shivered. “You got that before our bonding ceremony?”_

_“Affirmative. And now, I wish for you to have similar words placed on your wrist.” He grabbed Jim’s hand and turned it over, lightly caressing the skin there. “So that all will know we belong to each other.”_

_“Sort of like rings, huh?”_

_Spock arched a brow. “Not at all like rings.”_

_Jim chuckled and kissed Spock soundly. “Okay. Let’s do it. I’ll get the words, too. After all, parted and never parted, right?”_

_It was Spock who shivered this time. “Yes. Forever mine, James Tiberius Kirk.”_

_“Don’t want anyone else,” Jim agreed with a soft sigh as Spock suddenly flipped him onto his back and hovered over him. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”_

_Spock closed his eyes and put his hand to Jim’s psi points._

Jim looked down at the small words tattooed to the inside of his left wrist. At the time he had no reason to object and every reason to agree. Now it was like an ugly brand there, reminding him forever of what he no longer had. Perhaps like the tortured bond in his head, he could have it removed. Like he’d never had Spock and Spock had never had him.

“Kaiidth.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim was standing in the middle of his quarters staring off into space. He’d dressed in his uniform after his shower and had just been standing there in a daze.

He went to the comm on the wall. “Kirk here.”

“We’ve reached Maribella, sir.”

“Thank you, Mister Sulu.”

Thank you. There was nothing at all to be grateful for.

“Jim.” Bones’ voice. “Let me in.”

He stared at the door. Wondered how long he had been ignoring it.

“Open.”

His best friend stepped inside his quarters and then took a step toward Jim, as if to hug him. He held up a hand to stop Bones.

“Please. I’m barely hanging by a thread.”

“Jim, you don’t have to do this.”

“Yeah, I do. Starfleet says I do. My conscience says I do. I can’t take care of him. You said so yourself. I have an entire ship of people. I have to do this, Bones.”

Bones took a cautious step closer and took out his tricorder to scan Jim. “How are you doing?”

He laughed. It was a little hysterical, he could not deny. “Pretty bad.”

Bones eyes turned soft. “You have to calm down, Jim. Your vitals are dangerously high. I’m concerned for your health.”

“I can’t-I can’t make myself numb, Bones. Not about this. I’ve tried.” Jim ran his fingers through his hair. “They’re-they’re taking Spock away from me.” He felt the sting of tears burning his eyes.

Bones took another step forward and Jim backed away immediately.

“Let’s go. I have to-to hand him over to Sarek.”

“Jim—”

Jim looked away. “They’re-he’s arranged to have the bond removed when I’m down there. So they can bond Spock to-to—”

“Jesus, Jim.”

“It’s only logical,” he whispered.

“I should never have given my okay for the bonding,” Bones said. “If it’s caused you irreparable harm—”

“No. I…” Jim swallowed, licked his dry lips. “Having Spock with me, even for such a short period, it was-it was enough.”

Bones touched his arm, squeezed it. “I’m coming with you. If they’re going to mess with your mind, I need to be there.”

He nodded. “Thanks, Bones.” Jim stared toward the door of his quarters. “I think I need a little push.”

Bones exhaled very slowly and gently pushed Jim from behind. He made it to the door and let it open, finally stepping into the corridor.

They were quiet as they walked to the turbolift that would take them to the transporter room. Christine would have little Spock waiting there for Jim to escort him down to the space station.

His head pounded painfully and he wondered if it would ever feel normal again. Maybe the pain would go away when the healer completed the severing of his bond with Spock, but that would bring about another sort of emptiness.

Jim made himself enter the transporter room, and as he suspected, the child already waited, standing with Christine. Child Spock was as cute as he could be, really. But he was not Jim’s Spock and never would be again. Something he would have to accept. Someday.

He forced a smile. “Hey, are you ready?”

Spock searched Jim’s gaze and what he found there, Jim couldn’t begin to guess. “Yes.”

As Jim stepped up onto the transporter he was a little startled when Spock grasped his hand as he did so. Spock stood directly next to Jim, still holding his hand. Jim wanted to let go, because the feel of Spock’s childlike hand in his was something he could not deal with, not now. But one glance at Bones and Jim forced himself not to wrench his hand away.

“Energize,” Jim commanded.

Christine was crying as she waved goodbye to Spock.

As they reemerged on the transporter pad of Maribella, Jim spotted Sarek and a severe looking Vulcan woman waiting nearby. They both wore traditional Vulcan robes. Spock let go of Jim’s hand and immediately moved toward his father.

“Sa-mekh.”

“Spock,” Sarek said, very quietly. “You are looking well.”

“I have been cared for well on the Enterprise.”

Sarek’s gaze moved to Jim. “And for that, Captain Kirk has my gratitude.”

If he thought having his once adult son a child once more odd or troublesome, Sarek gave no indication of that. But then, Jim had never been able to read his father-in-law well. Soon to be former father-in-law.

Sarek turned toward the Vulcan female. “This is T’Lir. She will assist you, Captain.”

He nodded. “Does Spock need to be present?”

“He does not,” T’Lir spoke up.  “It will be a simple, painless procedure.”

Sure, painless.

When both Vulcans eyes widened ever so slightly, Jim realized he’d said that out loud. Well, whatever. Fuck them.

He ignored her for the moment and turned back to Sarek. “Then, if you don’t mind, I’d like to go with T’Lir and get this over with. The Enterprise has an important mission to prepare for.”

Sarek nodded and raised his hand in the ta’al. “Live long and—”

“Wait,” Spock said. He stepped forward and away from his father. He tilted his head. “Are you not going with me?”

Jim frowned. “With you?”

“Are we not bonded?”

Jim exchanged a quick look with Bones, who hovered nearby. “We won’t be anymore, Spock. You’re going with your father to live on New Vulcan.”

“ _New_ Vulcan. I do not wish to live on _New_ Vulcan. I wish to live on Vulcan.”

“That’s not possible,” Jim reminded him gently. He was aware that Spock had accessed the files as Jim had advised him he should.

“You are to come with us,” Spock said coolly.

“I can’t. I’m the captain of the Enterprise.”

“Then I will stay with you.”

“Spock,” Sarek said, his voice deep and somewhat harsh. “Do not make this more difficult on Captain Kirk.”

Spock looked to his father, uncertainly. “But he is my mate.”

“We will find you another mate,” Sarek said.

“But—”

“Spock.” Sarek shook his head. “Say goodbye to the captain.”

Spock blinked and stared at Jim. His little bottom lip appeared to be trembling but Jim was certain he imagined that.

Jim was the adult. He had to make this okay.

“It’s all right, Spock. You need to go with your father now.”

“Will I-will I see you again?” Spock asked, his voice so young and small.

“Well. Life is full of surprises,” Jim said carefully. “But…I don’t think so.”

“Captain Kirk, if you will accompany me?” T’Lir said.

Spock stepped close and before Jim even knew what he was doing, he had thrown his arms around Jim. He felt pretty hopeless as he met Sarek’s gaze over Spock’s head. He dug his finger nails into the palm of his hand as hard as he could to focus on the physical pain rather than the emotional. The damaged bond in his head screamed in torment.

He pulled back a little and then squatted down so that he was more the height of the Vulcan boy. He put his hand on Spock’s face.

“You’ll be okay, Spock. You’re going to have a wonderful life.”

“But—”

Jim shook his head. “No buts. Now go with your father.” He dropped his hand from Spock’s face and placed his hand in the ta’al. “Live long and prosper.”

Spock bit his lip and raised his own hand. “Peace and long life.”

Sarek put his hand on Spock’s shoulder. “Come, Spock.”

Jim straightened to his full height once more as he watched Sarek walk away with his former first officer and husband.

“Jim, are you—”

“Don’t,” he whispered to Bones. He turned to T’Lir. “Okay, let’s do this.”

“There is a room just over here where we have been given permission to use.” T’Lir pointed to a conference room nearby.

Jim followed her in and Bones followed Jim.

“Can I sit?”

“It will not be necessary. It will be done quickly.” She rose her hand to his face. “Do I have your permission?”

He nodded and her hand pressed against his face. He was vaguely aware of Bones scanning him as she did so. He began to feel woozy and then very sleepy.

“Bones, what—”

Cool fingers touched his face as he opened his eyes. He was seated in the conference room and Bones stood over him, obviously looking concerned and T’Lir was gone.

“What happened?”

“You passed out. Painless my ass. How do you feel?”

The pain in his head was gone. His mind felt…ordinary again. Like it had prior to ever bonding with Spock. It didn’t hurt and yet…it did.

“The bond is gone,” he said softly. His heart hurt as it never had before. “Spock is gone.”

“I’m sorry, Jim.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I know.” He made himself stand. “Let’s get back to the ship.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I never want to see this place again.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Do you think it’s done?” He didn’t look at Bones as he asked. Instead he just took another swallow of the whiskey he’d been drinking for…he didn’t know how many hours. Or how many whiskeys.

“Probably.”

He was grateful Bones didn’t make him explain. Everything was painful enough.

“You going to spend our entire shore leave drinking in this bar?” Bones asked. “God, what a maudlin leave.”

“Well, excuse the fuck out of me,” Jim mumbled. “I didn’t know I was supposed to be over losing my husband and whoop it up.”

Bones sighed next to him. “I know. I’m sorry. I know how hard this is. And I know an enormous part of it is my fault.”

Jim closed his eyes. “It’s my fault for ever thinking my life might not suck.”

“Jim—”

He waved at Bones. “You should go do something fun. Scotty and Sulu and them are down at the luau thing. Why don’t you go?”

“You should come.”

“I can’t,” Jim whispered. He felt the prick of tears.

“Jim.”

“Please. Just go. Please?”

Bones slipped off the stool and squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “I’ll check on you later.”

Jim watched Bones leave, then got up and went outside on to the beach just outside the bar.  He slumped down in the sand and reached for the switchblade he had hidden when he left the ship. He stared down at the sharp gleaming metal.

His communicator beeped and for a moment he almost ignored it. But then he flipped it open. “Kirk here.”

“Uhura, sir. You have an urgent communication from New Vulcan. It’s Sarek, Captain.”

Jim got to his feet. “Arrange to have me beamed back onto the ship, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, Captain.”

****

“Is it Spock?” Jim demanded as soon as Sarek’s face appeared on his terminal in his quarters.

“I am afraid it is, James. He is inconsolable.”

Jim’s heart pounded. “What? Why? What is wrong? Did you bond him to someone?”

“We could not. His mind would not accept another.”

Jim sat down with a thud. “But you said—”

“You must understand, James, that this was unprecedented for us just as it was for you. We worked with the information we had and formed hypothesis—”

“You mean you assumed.”

Sarek inclined his head. “Acknowledged. Your bond with my son was not something a Vulcan has had for more than a hundred years.” He paused. “And you? Has your mind suffered ill-effects?”

_I’ve only wanted to die every day._

“Some. Not pain like before. But it’s been…difficult.”

“My son needs you,” Sarek said then. “He will accept care from no one else. I know this is a lot to ask of you, but I am asking you to come to New Vulcan.”

He gripped the desk. “What are you asking me to do, Sarek?”

“I cannot care for my son as he is now,” Sarek admitted softly. “He is nothing like the Vulcan boy I raised with my wife. He is emotional and confused. None of the Vulcan healers are able to help him. Without Amanda…I am at a loss.”

“Fuck,” Jim whispered. “You’re asking me to take him.”

Sarek hesitated for only a moment. “Yes.”

“They won’t let him stay on the Enterprise.”

“I am aware.”

Jim just stared at him.

“It is much to ask, James. I ask on behalf of my son.” Sarek looked off to the side of the room. "I will give you some time to think about it. And to contact whoever you need to. Live long and prosper.”

And now Jim was left staring at a blank screen.

He didn’t need to think about it. He would do anything for Spock. He never should have let Sarek take him in the first place. He knew that now.

And Spock.

Jim owned him his life a dozen times over. Wasn’t that worth a career?

He’d been thinking about nothing but how this affected him. And now he needed to think about Spock.

“Kirk to Uhura.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Patch me through to Admiral Komack, will you?”

“Jim, what—”

“I’ll tell you later, all right? But for now, Spock’s going to be okay.”

There was a pause. Then a whispered, “Thank you. I’ll contact Komack now, sir.”


	10. Chapter 10

Jim decided he would take Spock to Riverside.

He’d considered the option of San Francisco after Komack had made the suggestion that he didn’t have to give up his entire Starfleet career. There were opportunities at HQ that Jim could be considered for.

And Jim had appreciated that. He had. In the end, he’d left it with Komack that he would be given a six month leave of absence, the end of which he could decide what path to take going forward.

Komack had been good to him, really. Better and more understanding than Jim had anticipated. He guessed Komack had known Jim wouldn’t be swayed from taking care of Spock.

After the Enterprise dropped off Jim to New Vulcan to collect the young Spock, they would continue on to Yorktown where they would collect their newly appointed captain. Jim had been told the command was being given to Will Decker. He was familiar with Will, having known Commodore Matt Decker, Will’s father. The younger Decker was a good man and Jim thought he would make a competent captain.

More than one of his officers had shed tears when Jim had called them to the conference room to inform them of his decision. They didn’t blame him, they fully supported him, but it didn’t make it easy for any of them.

Jim stared at the belongings he’d packed into luggage that now lay on his bed. A bed that would soon be given to Decker. A bed where he and Spock had loved each other with a fierceness that no one knew before nor would anyone know again.

“Guess that’s it,” he said softy. He really hadn’t amassed much stuff. He wasn’t a collector of anything. Just memories. He turned to offer a tentative smile to Bones, who’d stood silently by since Jim had started to pack.

Bones’ eyes were unexpectedly dry, which was a new thing. He’d been basically watery eyed since Jim had told him he was leaving. “I could resign my commission.”

“We talked about this. I don’t want that.” Jim sighed. “I need to do this on my own. For both me and Spock.”

“I could help.”

“I know. But I have this, Bones.”

“And I’m just supposed to be on this ship without you." 

Jim smiled a little. “You almost were at least a dozen times.”

“Not funny,” Bones grumbled. “This is my fault, Jim, and—”

“No, it isn’t. It’s no one’s. What happened to Spock was just an unfortunate occurrence no one could have predicted, Bones. I don’t blame you.”

Bones wouldn’t meet his gaze. “I should have been able to fix it. I should have tried harder.”

“Bones, no.” Jim grabbed his friend’s face in his hands. “No.”

“I should have been nicer to you about it. Not tried to tell you that you had a whole crew to take care of, not just Spock.”

“You were right.”

“Jim—”

“You have to let this go.”

“I don’t…I lost Spock too. And now I’m losing you. It’s not fair, Jim. If anyone deserved to be together, to be happy, it was you two.”

Jim released his friend’s face and stepped back. “I learned a long time ago, life isn’t fair. It’s just life. And this is what it’s giving me now.”

Bones wiped at his eyes. He gestured to the case on the bed. “This is it then?”

“Yep, not much, really.” And there were some things he’d chosen not to take. Things that reminded him of his life with Spock. An old life he would not have again.

Jim grabbed the bag. “Can you give me a minute alone, Bones?”

He nodded only, and Jim suspected he couldn’t get any words out, and that was fine. Maybe for the best. Bones walked out of Jim’s quarters for the last time, leaving Jim alone in them.

Jim stood in the center looking around at what had been such a large part of his life. First his by himself and then together with Spock, his husband. And now it would belong to someone else. As the Enterprise would.

He’d told himself he would no longer cry over this and he meant it. Or he thought he did anyway.

He released a heavy breath and caressed the wall as he passed to the door.

He walked next to Bones silently along the corridor to the turbolift. There was no one else around on the deck, which Jim knew was unusual and he suspected it was by design. No one wanted a big scene for either Jim or themselves.

The ride in the turbolift was likewise quiet and uncomfortable and Jim tried not to think maudlin but it was hard not to think this was his last ride in it.

In the transporter room only two people waited. Scotty and Uhura. Neither of them made any attempt to hide that they’d been crying.

Jim set his bag down and then went up to Scotty to embrace him. “Be safe, okay? And be good to Decker.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim squeezed and released him.

“Jim—”

“I know, Scotty.” Jim patted his arm. “I know.”

As soon as he turned toward her, Uhura threw herself into Jim’s arms. He closed his arms around her.

“I hate this,” she sobbed. “I love you both so much and this is such bullshit.”

“Yeah.” He exhaled, and then with a stroke of her hair, he let her go too. “I’ll keep in touch. Let you know how things go.”

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Just…” He moistened his lips. “Be happy, okay? That’s what he would have wanted. Be happy.”

She put her fist to her mouth and sobbed again, turning away and rushing over to Scotty, who attempted to comfort her.

Jim picked up his bag and took it to the transporter pad, not looking at Bones. But he knew he had to, so he turned back around and stepped off the platform to where Bones stood, barely containing himself.

“I don’t think I can say goodbye,” Bones said brokenly.

“Then don’t. Just say, see ya.” He clutched at Bones then, hugging him tighter than he ever had, Jim supposed. And when it was way longer than it should be, Jim finally let go and stepped back. The smile he forced threatened to break his face. “See ya, Bones.”

Jim got on the pad. Stared at the three of them. “Energize.”

And as his particles broke up he heard Bones say, “See ya.”


	11. Chapter 11

A tall, thin Vulcan male waited for Jim in as he stepped off the transport platform. “Captain Kirk? This way.”

Jim had dressed in jeans, a T-shirt and a lightweight jacket but on New Vulcan it was too much and he’d began to sweat almost immediately. He’d never been to Vulcan before it had been destroyed, but Spock had told him it was ever hotter there.

He trailed after the Vulcan who wore thick heavy robes and looked as though the temperature was nothing and he hadn’t a care in the world.

They went to a small building that was, blessedly, not far away and as soon as Jim entered he heard running feet.

“Jim!”

He was hugged tightly by little Spock as though they hadn’t seen each other in years. Perhaps to small Spock it was like that.

“Oh. Hey. Hey there.” He patted the boy’s back in what he thought was a soothing manner. He looked over to where Sarek stood, wearing an expression that read ‘See? He is not acting like a Vulcan at all. What am I to do with this?’

He gently disengaged himself from the Vulcan boy. “Can you go and stand over there for a minute while I speak to your Sa-Mekh?”

Spock glanced at the tall thin male.

“Yeah. Over there with that guy. I’ll be right over here talking.”

The boy nodded and walked over to stand with the other Vulcan.

Jim walked over to Sarek and held up his hand in the ta’al and Sarek returned the gesture.

“As you can no doubt tell, Spock desires to be with you. In whatever capacity is available to him,” Sarek said stiffly. “He is…changed from the son I raised.”

“Well, of course he is,” Jim replied. “This is the outcome none of us would have wanted, Sarek, including Spock.”

“Yes.”

“So you can’t handle him.”

Sarek became stiffer still. “All he speaks of is you. Where is Jim? He speaks of your bond as though you are still connected even though it was severed. He will be bonded to no other.” He gave a small sigh. “He has the knowledge he had as an adult and is far above others his age so to send him to school…”

“It’s all right, Sarek. I’ll take care of him. The truth is I should never have left him in the first place. I just…I didn’t know what to do. And I guess I still don’t, but Spock and I will figure it out together, like we always have.”

Sarek’s gaze swept over Spock.  “You will make sure he learns all the Vulcan ways.”

“Of course I will.”

“If you need assistance—”

“I don’t. I know about Vulcan. I know the language. Spock and I shared everything.”

Sarek nodded. “Nevertheless, I am always open to communication with you, James.”

“I know.” And yeah, Jim, thought Sarek was giving up on Spock, and he was angry over it, but he’d almost done it himself, and now, well, he would do what he had to do. For Spock. He knew that Spock would have done no less for him.

“Where will you take him?”

“For now, Riverside, Iowa. After? We’ll see. Maybe San Francisco. I’m going to see how we feel about it in six months.”

Sarek handed him a small suitcase. “Here are his things. He has accumulated very little in the time he has been here.”

“I’ll get him some clothes and things when we get to Earth.” Jim paused. “Our intended shuttle leaves soon, so I guess it’s time to say goodbye.”

“Yes,” Sarek agreed. “I will depart here. Svoren will escort you to the shuttle bay.”

Jim turned to Spock. “Spock, it’s time to go. Say goodbye to your Sa-Mekh.”

Spock was solemn as he stood in front of his father. He provided the ta’al in response to the one Sarek gave him and Jim couldn’t help wonder if Sarek had ever hugged his son. He guessed not. That was not the Vulcan way. And yeah, Jim might make sure that Spock was as Vulcan as Sarek wanted to be, but he refused to forgo affection and emotions. That just wasn’t Jim and Spock, his adult Spock, had loved Jim the way he was, thank you very much.

There was no emotional goodbye between father and son, barely a few exchanged words, and Spock was following after Jim, who followed after Svoren.

Once they reached the shuttle bay and Svoren pointed out where they needed to go, Svoren left them too, and it was only Jim and Spock.

As they waited on a bench for loading, Spock sat very close to Jim, though he didn’t actually touch.

“You okay?” Jim asked after a few moments of silence.

“I find myself somewhat sad I am departing my home, yet this is not really my home at all,” Spock said.

“It never was the same as Vulcan to you,” Jim said softly.

“Affirmative. My home was…the Enterprise. Was it not?”

He nodded. “Yeah. For both of us.”

“Not now?”

“No. The Enterprise belongs to someone else now,” Jim advised, trying to ignore the lump in his throat that wanted to form there.

“What is it like in Riverside?” Spock scrunched up his face. “I have been there, have I not?”

“Yeah a while back. Not for long. It’s cold there. Well, this time of year anyway. We’ll have to get you clothes. Coats and stuff. The farmhouse is a little outside the city so we’re going to be pretty isolated. Especially during storms.”

“Storms?”

“Snow. No ion storms there.” He smiled faintly. Then the smile slipped from his face as he watched the boy. “Are you sorry you’re leaving? Want to change your mind?”

Spock shook his head. “No. My place is by your side.”

“Spock—”

“We are bondmates.”

“Not anymore. That was severed.”

Spock arched his brow in an eerily familiar fashion. “You cannot fully sever a bond like ours, Jim.”

“But they said—”

Spock sighed in a very childlike manner. “They do not know everything. They only think they do. Though they have damaged our link, it was impossible to dissolve. We are t’hy’la.”

“Is that why you wouldn’t bond with anyone?”

“It would not have worked.”

Jim laughed a little. “God, you really remind me of your older self sometimes.”

“I am still Spock,” the boy said. “And though I do not recall all of my prior life, I do recall a lot.”

_“Now boarding Shuttle 17.”_

“That’s us, kid.”

Jim stood and so did Spock, both of them holding their small suitcases as they approached the ramp up to the shuttle.

The whole way to Riverside, they both remained quiet. Spock stared out the window and Jim closed his eyes and tried to remind himself over and over that this was his new reality. No Enterprise. No husband. And a Kid. A Vulcan one at that. One who probably could still out think him on just about every subject. Just a ghost of the one Jim had loved so desperately.

They were hit by snow flurries as they departed the shuttle bay in Riverside and Spock looked very displeased by it. Jim put his jacket on the boy.

“Will you not be cold?” Spock asked doubtfully.

“Yeah but it’s only a short trip. I’ll be good.”

Spock fingered the jacket. “It is not very warm.”

“We’ll get you something warmer tomorrow. Actually we probably both need warmer coats. But let’s just get to the farmhouse for now.”

They hopped a hover cab to the farmhouse and then after dismissing the cab they walked up the steps.

Jim paused at the door.

“You seem unhappy,” Spock said.

“I didn’t think I’d ever be back here. Or not in a very long time anyway.”

“Then why are you?”

Jim looked over his shoulder. “You, obviously.”

“You could have chosen for us to live anywhere,” Spock pointed out. Logically, probably.

And the kid had a point. The kid. Spock. God, his head fucking hurt. He’d thought he’d gotten rid of the headaches. But well, this was one big headache, wasn’t it?

He put in his code and the door popped open. He stepped inside to the darkness

“Lights 100%.”

The house was suddenly, madly illuminated. It was fucking bright.

“Heat on.”

He turned to look at Spock, young and vulnerable looking really, as he stood in a place that was most likely strange to him, away from his father, and with Jim, who he knew he’d had some kind of bond with.

Life was unfair. As Bones had said.

But it was life.

His anyway.

And Spock’s.

“Welcome home,” Jim said. “For six months anyway.”


	12. Chapter 12

Jim set the kid up in Sam’s old room. It hadn’t been used in Jim didn’t know how long. But, unlike Jim’s old room, it was right next to the master bedroom and Jim thought he should be keeping a relatively close eye on Spock.

He’d had to wash sheets for both Spock’s bed and his own in the master bedroom. No one had stayed there in recent times. He found heavy blankets and down comforters. He gave most of them to Spock, knowing he’d be more unused to the cold.

He fiddled with the replicator in the house for something for dinner. He preferred to make his own real food when he was here but he wouldn’t be going shopping until the next day and Spock would need to eat.

“There’s actually some plomeek soup programmed in here if you want it.”

Spock came up to stand behind him, looking curiously at the replicator. “How is it that you have a Vulcan dish programmed here?”

Jim shrugged. “You probably don’t remember but we came here once together. It was years ago now, before we were even together. It was after I…” He paused, then let out a breath. “After Khan. And before the five year mission. You and Uhura were still together then. You came here with me for a couple of weeks and knowing you were coming, I programmed it into the replicators here.” He smiled a little. “Don’t remember any of that?”

Spock scrunched up his face a little. “I believe I do recall now that you have reminded me of it. Some of it anyway. The details are…not within my grasp.” He shook his head, spots of color appearing on his cheeks. “It is frustrating.”

“Well. I guess in a way they were the memories of another Spock.”

“I am still him,” Spock said again, “even if I have become younger again. I would like the soup, please.”

Jim nodded and punched in the code for the soup. “Go and sit down at the table. I’ll bring it to you. What do you want to drink? Milk?”

Spock scoffed as he took the seat at the table. “Only Human children consume milk at such an advanced age. My preference is tea.”

Jim brought the soup over and then replicated an herbal tea for the boy. He put in the code for spaghetti with meat sauce for himself. He was tempted to have a beer or wine but in the end got himself iced tea and went to the table to join Spock.

He didn’t really know how to have a conversation with a child, so he remained silent as he ate his dinner. Obviously he had been a child once himself but at the time he was he hadn’t been exactly chatty. He hadn’t made friends easily as he’d been pretty shy, not to mention most of the time he’d been hiding bruises from his stepfather’s beatings. And later, especially after the time he’d spent on Tarsus IV, he’d become tough and rather blustery so everyone would leave him alone.

Finally on the Enterprise he’d had friends and family. But those days, unfortunately, were gone, and he was faced with this.

“I am sorry you have been burdened with me,” Spock said quietly, as he finished his soup.

“You’re-you’re not a burden.”

The boy tilted his head. “You are a bad liar, Jim.”

“It’s just different is all. I don’t really know how to live like this.”

“You are already bored.”

“Well. Things will look better tomorrow when we go shopping and stuff.” Jim finished toying with his spaghetti and picked up the plate as well as the empty bowl from Spock’s soup and brought them all over to the dish cleaner.

“If it is acceptable, I would like to go to my room for meditation now.”

“Yeah, sure, go ahead,” Jim said. He was a little embarrassed at feeling relieved that Spock was going to his room. He wouldn’t have to deal with him. And yeah, he felt a bit bad about feeling that way, but it was the plain truth.

****

Jim took Spock to a diner in the city the next morning where they ordered breakfast. Jim had eggs, potatoes, and coffee, while Spock had pancakes and orange juice as the waitress had insisted a kid should have juice not tea. To Jim’s surprise, Spock hadn’t put up much of a fight.

“So.” Jim looked out the window. Was this really his life now? Making small talk with a Vulcan child who shouldn’t even be a child?

“May I make a query?”

Jim glanced at Spock after the softly spoken question. “Sure.”

“You are not very fond of children, are you?”

He shrugged. Sighed. “I just don’t really know how to deal with them, really. I didn’t grow up wanting a wife and kids. Or even a husband and kids. From what I could see, kids made my mom and Frank miserable. I didn’t want that life.”

Spock fell silent as he took a sip of juice. “But you must have realized they were unusual and not the norm.”

“They were my norm,” Jim replied with a slight smile.

“You did not have a very nurturing existence when you were a child,” Spock said matter-of-factly but with soft undertones. “And they sent you to Tarsus IV.”

Jim’s gaze sharpened. “You remember that?”

Spock nodded. “A vague recollection but also, after you retired for the night, I looked into your background.”

Jim frowned. “You what?”

“I accessed many of your personal files.”

“Spock—”

“The classified ones did require more finesse but eventually I was able to view them.”

“That’s an invasion of privacy.”

“Indeed.” Little Spock arched a brow. “Your time on Tarsus IV was unpleasant.”

“An understatement,” Jim muttered.

“You took responsibility for a group of children younger than you but you were a child yourself.”

“Yeah. But if you’re asking me if I was warm and fuzzy to them, the answer is no. I just made sure they stayed ahead of those that wanted to kill us. That’s all.”

“I am certain there was more to it than that, but I accept your response.”

He had to laugh at that. Or maybe go insane. “Are you sure you’re just a kid?”

“Biologically, yes. Vulcan children do mature more quickly than Human children,” Spock said. “Plus I have the added paradox of being a child twice.”

Jim stabbed at his now cold eggs. “How are your pancakes?”

“Rubbery,” Spock replied.

He smiled. “Yeah, sorry. This place is hardly gourmet.” He pushed his plate away. “If you’re ready, we can go get you some warmer clothes. Need to stop at the market after that too.”

“I am prepared.”

They slid out of the booth and Jim took care of the charges before they headed out to a clothing store which contained appropriate clothing for a kid Spock’s age. Jim ended up getting Spock four pairs of pants, four shirts, shoes, coats, scarves, socks. Well, everything. He even got some things for himself, like a new winter coat and a scarf and gloves.

“That was pretty productive,” Jim said as they left the store with their bundles. “If there’s anything you want at the market, be sure to mention it. I guess growing Vulcan boys need lots of vegetables.”

“You do not like vegetables?”

“They’re okay. Why?”

“You made a gagging face when you said the word,” Spock said, as he set the bags into their car.  He looked up at the sky. “It is getting quite dark, Jim.”

“Yeah, snow’s coming. We’d best make this trip to the market fast if you want to be warm and toasty in the house by the time it starts.”

Jim’s communication device beeped. Frowning, he removed it from the pocket of his coat. “Bones?”

“Jim! I think…I’m not certain…Sulu.”

“Bones, what? You’re breaking up. What?”

“About...of range,” Bones said. “Decker’s a dick too.”

“Bones—”

“Think…a cure…tests…Sulu’s husband, Ben, but…”

“Huh? Bones?” Jim shook the device enough though he knew that was useless. “Bones?”

But his friend was gone. Jim looked at Spock, who looked at him.

Suddenly young Spock looked up as snowflakes hit his face. “It is snowing.”

“Crap.”  


	13. Chapter 13

Adults were strange and Human adults most of all, Spock decided. And perhaps of all Human adults, Jim was the strangest. Definitely the most illogical. But also the most interesting.

He’d rushed through the food market, tossing all kinds of food into their cart without really even looking at it. Spock had followed behind him and put some of the more odd items back on the shelf. He couldn’t imagine Jim really wanted to consume canned sausages.

And Jim had added a few items to the cart that Spock most definitely recalled Jim had an allergy to.

When they exited the store the snow still fell but it hadn’t become any heavier than when it had first began. Spock found himself hustled to their car and unceremoniously pushed into his seat while Jim threw their purchases in the back.

“What?” Jim asked, glancing at Spock for the first time in several minutes as he took his place in the driver seat.

“Do you wish for me to operate the car?”

“Huh?”

“You seem very preoccupied by your brief conversation with Doctor McCoy.”

Jim frowned as he pulled the car onto the road. “Maybe. But you’re just a kid.”

“I have knowledge of how to operate such a vehicle.”

“Forget it, Spock.”

Spock wanted to ask Jim what the doctor said but decided it was best to wait for them to be safely back home. Jim gripped the steering wheel so tightly, his hands were changing color and his mouth was thinned into a grim line.

Spock had heard of Earth children using the words, ‘ready to pop a vein’ and Spock was very much nervous that it applied currently to Jim.

When they arrived at the farmhouse, Spock gave a mental sigh of relief. The snow was cold and wet and Spock just wanted to be indoors. There was a reason Vulcan had been a desert planet. They preferred heat.

He grabbed all the bags, ignoring Jim’s protests, and hurried up the front steps to the door that would take them inside.

Spock put in Jim’s code, which he had already memorized, and rushed inside, grateful for the immediate warmth.

Jim followed him inside and into the kitchen. “You know, I’m sorry.”

“For what, Jim?”

“This really isn’t the place for you. We should probably go somewhere much warmer.”

“It is your home.”

Jim’s expression closed off. “It’s not my home.”

“Then I still fail to understand why you chose to come here.” Spock put his hand on Jim’s arm. “This place was unpleasant for you. Humans experience strong memories tied to places in their past.”

“And Vulcans don’t?”

Spock hesitated. “To some extent. I prefer the memories of comforting places. I do not dwell on negative energy.”

“Good for you.” Jim turned away from him and began putting away the groceries, about as mindlessly as he had done the shopping.

Spock did not become offended by his brusqueness. He was becoming used to Jim the way he was. There had been a time when Jim was happy. Spock knew that much. And he was not now. Spock knew that also.

For that matter, Spock was not altogether pleased with what had occurred either.

“May I make an inquiry?”

“Sure.”

“What was the nature of Leonard McCoy’s communication with you?”

“Well.” Jim turned back toward him and leaned back against the counter, arms crossed in front of his chest. “He was breaking up and in the end the communication dropped altogether.”

“But there was something, was there not?”

“He referenced Ben Sulu and something about a cure. He also said Decker was a dick.” At this Jim smiled.

“This information pleases you?”

Jim nodded. “It means Bones misses me.”

“I would think this would have been expected. I am certain they all miss you.” Spock filled the tea kettle with water to prepare tea. “A cure. For me?”

Spock wanted it to be for him. Though being a child again was not altogether unpleasant for him, it was a disaster for Jim and Spock’s father and really, everyone he knew. Spock would like to return to his old life if at all possible.

“I don’t know,” Jim said, his voice soft. “I can’t imagine he meant anything else. But the communication was unstable. And he mentioned the Enterprise being out of range.”

Spock noted how unbearably sad Jim looked when he mentioned the Enterprise. It hurt Spock’s heart. No one really wanted him like this. His father could not deal with him, did not want to, and Jim did not really either. It had taken everything from Jim. He had taken everything from Jim. And at times like this Spock wanted to give into his Human side and cry to be comforted by a mother who was no longer with him. If there really was a cure, Spock was desperate to have it.

“If you try to reestablish the line with the doctor—”

Jim shook his head. “I’ve tried. It won’t go through. With this storm and their location, that’s not altogether surprising. I’m going to contact Starfleet to see how soon the Enterprise will be close to us. In the meantime, I can try and see if I can get a hold of Ben Sulu. Maybe he knows something.”

Spock made himself busy making tea, although he did not fail to notice his hands shaking.

“Hey.” Jim walked over to him and took the kettle away. “I can do that. You shouldn’t…I mean you’re just a kid. I can do this stuff. Why don’t you sit there at the table and I’ll bring it to you.”

Spock was in no mood to argue so he went and sat down at the dining room table while Jim brewed his tea.

Jim brought two cups over and sat across from Spock. “It’s, um, hard for me to remember sometimes you aren’t an adult. I’m sorry.”

“It is understandable. You never knew me as a child.”

“No. But you sure are cute. No wonder you were so spoiled.”

“I was not spoiled,” Spock said, aware by Jim’s very rare smile that he was being teased.

“You should have been,” Jim said, seriously. “You told me…never mind.”

“What?”

Jim shrugged. “Just that they were mean to you. Other kids. As crazy as it sounds I wanted to be able to go back to those days and pummel all of those bullies on your behalf.”

“You were always protective of me.”

“Not protective enough, it seems.” Jim looked away.

“You are not responsible for my fate.”

“Sure.”

“Jim—”

“Forget it. I remember that conversation because it made me realize we had a lot more in common than I’d thought we had.”

Spock sipped his tea. “You were bullied?”

“Yeah. I mean, not badly. Lots of kids had it way worse than I ever did. Most of my problems were at home not at school. Anyway, I just realized that if someone as awesome as you were could experience that, then, everyone’s just nuts, I guess. Those guys that picked on you? They missed out on having you as their friend and I pity them for being the fools they were.”

“I barely remember that,” Spock whispered. “That happened to me when I was someone else.”

“Yeah.”

“Jim?”

“What, Spock?”

“Do you think, if they do cure me, as we both hope, I will regain all my memories of my life before and of our life together?”

“I have absolutely no clue,” Jim admitted. “I hope so.”

Spock nodded. “Me, too.”

“But we need to keep in mind that whatever it is, Spock, it might not change anything. Maybe you won’t go back to the way you were. Even if that’s what that all was about, doesn’t mean it will work on you.”

“I know. I want this for you, Jim, and for my sa-mekh.”

“Spock.” Jim put out his hand, palm up. “Give me your hand.”

Spock did, placing his hand on Jim’s much bigger and warmer hand.

“I want what’s best for _you_. You matter more than me, more than your dad, more than anyone. This is _your_ life and no one else gets to decide anything for you. If you stay like this, because it doesn’t work, or even because _you_ want to, for whatever reason, than that’s what happens and we’ll be okay with it.”

“But.” Spock felt his bottom lip tremble. “You gave up your whole life to take care of me.”

“And I would do it again, Spock. I’d die for you. That’s never going to change. You’ve done so much for me and if I can do one-tenth as much for you, it won’t be enough, but it’s something. I _hate_ this. I do. But what I would hate even more is you having no one that puts you first. That won’t happen while I have breath left.”

Spock felt his eyes fill with tears. “I want to be myself again. That is what I want.”

Jim smiled gently. “I know. And if that is what you really want, I will move heaven and earth to make it happen.”

Spock believed him. Because he wanted to and because he had to. He just didn’t know if it would be enough for either of them.


	14. Chapter 14

The door opened behind him and Jim dropped the cigarette to the ground, stomping on it. He turned to face little Spock, who clearly wasn’t fooled.

“You should not be smoking.”

“Uh. Yeah. I know.”

The boy was bundled up in the down jacket purchased for him, wearing gloves and a beanie on his head and pulled down over the pointy ears. His cheeks were faintly tinted green. He was a cute kid. Adorable really. And it made Jim wonder what Spock could have accomplished with a mate other than him. Perhaps a child as cute as this. With Uhura. Or with some Vulcan woman. Anyone but him. Who couldn’t even protect him from this.

“Then why are you?” Spock asked.

He was smarter and more adult-like than any kid Jim had ever met. Maybe that was the way all Vulcan children were. Or maybe it was because Spock had grown up once. Jim didn’t know.

“Stress I guess,” Jim said with a shrug. “You weren’t supposed to see. I thought you were meditating or something.”

“I finished.” Spock stepped out fully onto the porch. “You wear no coat.”

“Forgot.”

“I do not wish you to harm yourself due to stress over me.”

Jim snorted. “I’m not harming myself.”

“You were smoking and you have no coat,” Spock pointed out, all seriousness and sincerity.

He smiled a little. “I remember when Sam…never mind.”

“Please. I would like to hear.”

Jim sighed. Shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “We’d only been together, you and me, for I don’t know, like a month. And then Deneva happened and Sam was dead. Aurelan too. But though I liked her, it was Sam that hit me hardest. We’d just shipped Peter off to a space station so he could be cared for and Mom gave me her typical dead response when I told her about Sam. So I went to the observation deck with a secret stash of cigarettes.” Jim shook his head. “I’d smoked through half the pack when you found me there. You gave me your best disapproving stare.” He chuckled. “But it was the first time.”

“First time?”

“You told me you loved me,” Jim responded softly. “A long time ago now. And anyway, it doesn’t matter. Just an old memory from a lifetime ago.”

Little Spock stared at him for a long time, then gestured to the door. “Will you come back inside?”

“Sure.” Jim stared down at his discarded cigarette with some regret then went back into the house and closed and locked the door after them. “Still no luck getting in touch with Bones but I have a message out to Ben Sulu. Hopefully he’ll get back to me.”

Spock nodded and walked into the kitchen. “I have made tea. Sit down and I will bring it to you.”

Jim frowned. “Stop that.”

“What?”

“I’m supposed to take care of you, remember?”

Spock smiled very slightly. “Old habits.”

“It makes me feel…”

“What?” Spock asked when Jim did not continue.

“Pathetic, actually,” Jim admitted. He sat down when Spock approached him with a mug of tea anyway.

“That is illogical. We are a family, are we not? Whatever our circumstances now and whatever the future will bring, we are a family. Family cares for one another.”

“Yes but—”

“But what?”

“I’m an adult and you’re just a kid.”

Spock sat beside Jim at the table with his own mug of tea. “Vulcan children are taught self-sufficiency at a young age. Is that not the case with human children?”

“Well, a little. I mean, I guess it depends on your circumstances. Some kids probably have their parents doing everything for them until they’re quite a bit older.”

“You did not,” Spock pointed out.

“I’m part of the circumstances I spoke of. Anyway, even then I don’t think I was an adult in a little kid suit like you are.”

“As you say, the circumstances of my childhood in this case are quite different even for a typical Vulcan child. Which I am not.”

“No.” Jim smiled. “And you never have been. You’ve always been special.”

“You should meditate with me,” Spock said, taking a sip of his tea. “It would relieve your stress without exposing you to harm.”

Jim snorted. “I tried, you know. Before. You were always trying to get me to meditate with you. And then separately when that didn’t work. I could never get the whole sitting still thing.”

Spock lowered his gaze to Jim’s wiggling leg. “Even now.”

Jim forced his leg to be still.

“You are constantly in motion. This has always been the case, yes?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“There is no need to apologize when there is no offense.”

Jim laughed at that. Lord, he was tired in his soul. “You know, you should have had a kid. Well, Spock should have. I mean, adult Spock.”

“Why?”

“You would have made a great father. You were always way better with kids than I was. The kids we ran across on planets and stuff. And I can actually imagine Spock having logical conversations with a kid just like you, only his son. Your son, I guess. God, sometimes I give myself a headache.”

Spock gestured for Jim to take a sip of tea so he did.

“Why did we not have a child?”

“I’m not the right gender.”

Spock actually rolled his eyes. “I know that. But there are other ways of having children. Adoption. Surrogates.”

Jim shrugged. “We never talked about that. I guess I always thought you were better off…never mind.”

The kid did not push it, for which Jim was grateful. He didn’t feel like having the ‘what’s wrong with Jim’ talk with a child Spock. Not right now.

“You should go to bed when you’re finished with that tea,” Jim said after a minute or so.

“I am not tired.”

“Well, but—”

Jim’s PADD beeped that he had a message. He shared a glance with Spock.

“Should I retrieve it for you?”

Jim nodded.

Spock rose and went over to the counter where Jim had left his PADD and he brought it over to Jim, handing it to him.

His hands totally didn’t shake as he went to read the message. His vision blurred for a moment when he saw that it was from Ben Sulu.

“What does it say?” Spock whispered.

“We’re going to Yorktown.”


	15. Chapter 15

“It has been almost twenty-four hours since you have eaten, ” Spock spoke quietly to Jim. They were on a transport ship to Yorktown. There were travelers around them sleeping, which was why, Jim assumed, Spock had lowered his voice.

“I’m not—”

“Please do not tell me you are not hungry.” Spock handed a wrapped package to Jim. “I would like you to eat.”

Jim eyed the wrapped thing he had taken. “What is it?”

“A cheese sandwich. I made it before we left the farmhouse with what was available.”

Jim closed his eyes and turned his head away. “You really need to stop.”

“Eat the sandwich.”

Jim sighed and unwrapped it. “What about you?”

“I secured myself a banana, an orange, and a mango.” Spock was watching him so Jim took a bite. “I do not understand your resistance to eating considering your prior experiences.”

“Sometimes I overeat and sometimes I undereat.” Jim shrugged. “Survivor’s guilt maybe. I don’t know. I stopped trying to analyze myself a long time ago.”

“You are reluctant to talk about yourself.”

Jim said nothing to that.

Spock shook his head. “It puzzles me how we were ever able to establish a relationship given your obvious reluctance to communicate with me.”

“Well, I guess you were just stupid then to be interested in me,” Jim snapped and turned to face away. He winced at his tone and words but God, this was so fucking hard.

“Jim,” Spock whispered. “I do not believe lack of intelligence was a factor in the joining of our lives.”

“No. Look, I’m sorry. That was a shi—, er, a bad thing to say. I’m just—”

“Extremely irritable.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah.”

“I did not say you were  not compelling. Just that your lack of communication is daunting.” Spock sighed, which had Jim looking at him in surprise. “I acknowledge my lack of advanced age likely has a lot to do with your reluctance to speak to me of your past, both with and without me. Adults always treat children differently.”

“Well, uh, yeah. We have to. You’re not ready to hear a lot of adult type things at your age.”

“But the age I am now was done by artificial means. It is not natural,” Spock replied. “I do not wish to be like this.”

“I know, which is why we’re on our way to Yorktown. Hoping that there’s something that can be done. But Spock, there’s a lot that’s already been tried and nothing has worked. I have to be honest with you.” Jim swallowed heavily. “I even tried to make myself young like you. So we could at least be young together and grow together, but that didn’t work either.”

Spock pursed his lips. “You do not believe this will be successful either.”

“I hope it will.”

“But you do not believe it will.”

Jim snorted. “Fortunately my faith in the outcome has absolutely no bearing on whether it will scientifically be successful.”

“Humans rely on faith to guide them, do they not?”

“Not me. That sort of thinking has only led to disappoint and disillusion for me.”

Spock picked up the sandwich Jim had left on his lap and held it toward Jim’s mouth. “Finish.”

“You’re a real pain in the ass, you know that, right?”

Spock shrugged. “I suspect you have always thought so no matter what iteration there is of me.”

“You got me there.” Jim smiled, but he finished his sandwich.

****

“Is Mister Sulu expecting us?”

Spock walked next to Jim as they made their way off the transport ship and into the downtown area of Yorktown.

“I think so. I sent him a message that we were coming.”

“What time?”

“Before we left the farmhouse.”

“I meant what time is he expecting us?”

“I didn’t give him a time.”

“Maybe you should contact him now and warn him we are coming.”

Jim stopped and looked at kid Spock.

Spock stared right back at him. “I want nothing to go wrong.”

Jim noticed then that his little bottom lip was trembling. His heart clenching, Jim crouched down next to him. “Hey. What’s going on?”

“If this does not work—”

“Then it will be okay, all right?”

“Will it?”

“Yeah.” Jim gave him the best smile he could. “Do you want a hug?”

“What?”

“Do you want a hug?”

Spock looked doubtfully at him.

Jim sighed, shook his head, and pulled the little Vulcan into his arms, squeezing tight. After a moment, Spock’s little arms came around him. He heard a little hiccup from the boy.

“Whatever happens, Spock. We’re together, okay? I’m not going anywhere and neither are you.”

Spock nodded but didn’t pull away.

“Hang on.” He pulled out his communication device and found Ben Sulu. He entered the information for it.

“Sulu here.”

“Ben, it’s Jim Kirk. Spock and I are on Yorktown.”

“Excellent. You made good time.”

“Should we come to your apartment?”

“No. Meet Demora and me at my lab. I’ll send you the address. Everything we need is there anyway. Later, we can go out for dinner or something.”

“Sounds good. We’ll be there soon. Kirk out.”

He closed his communicator and returned it to his pocket. Spock was still clinging to him like he never wanted to let Jim go.

Jim realized how really oblivious he could be some times. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

Spock pulled back only slightly to look at Jim. “For what?”

“Not knowing what you need. I know kids sometimes need this. But I thought—"

“Vulcans were different.”

“Yeah.”

“I am half Human.”

“Yes, you are. Sometimes I forget.” Jim smiled at him and smoothed down his hair. “I won’t again. I promise.”

“You would make a good father, Jim.”

He laughed. “Let’s not get carried away. Are you ready to go to the lab, Spock?”

Spock nodded. He squeezed Jim one last time and then pulled away. Jim stood, took out his communicator, saw the address that Ben Sulu had sent, and taking little Spock’s hand, made his way through the city to find the lab.


	16. Chapter 16

Being a telepath did not always have its advantages, Spock thought, as he continued to cling to Jim’s hand. He was not as experienced as an adult Vulcan would be with feeling the emotions coming at him like high waves beating against rocks, and Jim’s emotions were particularly potent and all-consuming. Spock suspected when they were both adults and fully bonded as they had been, that his adult self had found the equivalent of Vulcan bond perfection in that mind. But as a young, inexperienced Vulcan boy, Jim’s emotional battering was wearying.

Logically, Spock knew, as a Vulcan, he should not be clutching the human’s hand so desperately. Perhaps if he were not, those hyper emotions wouldn’t be assailing him. But he could not make himself let go.

Spock was frightened. In all likelihood this was their final chance to cure him. If it did not work, Spock would be doomed to stay like this and re-age as a new form of himself. And his t’hy’la would be forced to care for him as a guardian, as a parent, until Spock came of age again.

Jim was all he had at this point. His father wanted nothing to do with a Spock who was a child again. His mother was gone, apparently, in a manner that Spock no longer recalled. And this-this had cost Jim everything.

If it could not be set to right then it would be Spock’s fault. Logically, he knew he was not at all at fault for this. But he could not think logically at the moment.

Jim stopped before the location Ben Sulu had provided. He looked down at Spock, his expression blank, his eyes giving nothing away, but Spock could feel his torment, his turmoil through their contact. It was an aching hole in Jim and therefore it echoed in Spock.

“Are you okay?”

Spock decided he would put on a brave face like Jim. “Yes. I am all right.”

Jim nodded and went to let go of Spock’s hand but Spock would not let him and after a few seconds, Jim gave up trying and used his other hand to knock.

The door opened almost instantly to reveal Ben Sulu, who smiled warmly at them both. “Come in, come in. It’s so great to see you.”

He hugged Jim and then rested his hand briefly on the top of Spock’s head.

Ben gestured to a little girl around the same age as Spock’s present age. “Demora,  do you remember Daddy’s friend’s Jim and Spock?”

Demora came forward and smiled shyly. “Yes, I remember.” She looked at Jim. “How are you, sir?”

“I’m good. You’ve gotten so big.”

“Yes, I have.” Her smile widened and then her dark, assessing eyes turned to Spock. “You are the same as me.”

“I am currently the same approximate age as you,” Spock agreed.

“Well, that’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it?” Ben said. “Spock, come over here. As you both know, Hikaru and I are both botanists. I use my skills more professionally than he does since a pilot doesn’t need them.” He grinned quickly at them. “One night, over a long distance comm, he and I were discussing your case and going over everything we could thing of, and then after some research, I thought it possible the leaf of the Poverian Cactus might do the trick.”

“Not familiar with that,” Jim said, taking the words out of Spock’s mouth.

“It’s rare which is why neither Hi or I thought of it initially. I’ve tried to test it before bringing it to your attention, Spock, but there’s just no way to know the full effects without it actually being tried.”

Jim squeezed Spock’s hand. “Will it hurt him in anyway? Because if it does—”

“I want to try it even if it does,” Spock said quickly.

“Spock, no way. I won’t let you do that.”

“Guys.” Ben held up his hands “It won’t hurt him. If it doesn’t cure him, it won’t damage or harm him either.”

He pulled out a box from a refrigerated cabinet.

“Will it have an immediate affect if it’s successful?” Jim asked.

“No. He has to eat one leaf now. Then we’ll go to dinner. In three hours, he will have another. Then we wait three more hours before the third and again for the fourth. By the fourth, it will revert him or…it won’t.”

“Strange thing,” Jim murmured.

Ben nodded. “There are many strange alien plants out there. And strange alien contraptions too.” He opened the box and took out a very large, thick cactus leaf. “I should warn you that the taste is liable to be quite unpleasant.”

Spock took it in his hand. “I do not care.”

Jim was watching him, his blue eyes so intense Spock had to turn away. Spock took a bite, chewed and swallowed.

“Is it nasty?” Demora asked, curiously.

“It tastes rather like I would imagine rubber would,” Spock informed her.

Demora made a face.

Spock bit it again, chewing and swallowing. It really was unpleasant tasting. But eventually he had consumed all of it.

“Would it not be better to eat all four, one right after the other?”

“No, it needs full potency for each leaf.” Ben returned the box to the refrigerated cabinet. “Now, why don’t we have dinner? There’s a restaurant just half a block down that I think will have something for all of us.”

“And eating won’t dilute the cactus?”

“It should not, Jim.” Ben smiled. “Give me a moment while I get Demora ready.”

“Your anxiety is high,” Spock said softly.

“Sorry,” Jim said, turning away from Spock and walking several steps away. He was visibly agitated now. “Sorry. I’m-I’m working on it.”

“You do not need to spare me—”

“ _Yes I do_.” Jim made a growling noise. “I’m the adult here. I can handle this. How do you feel?”

“The same.” Which Spock was not sure if he should feel any different. But it was not good to admit that he did not.

Jim nodded. Just stared.

“Okay, we are ready,” Ben announced returning to the room with Demora wearing a new shirt. “Let’s go eat.” He shook his head and smiled at them. “Relax, guys. This will work.”

Spock wished that he and Jim had his confidence. He took Jim’s hand once more and went with Ben and Demora to the restaurant.


	17. Chapter 17

Jim was out wandering around on Yorktown, unable to stay still. Unable to face Ben and Demora. Unable to face…Spock.

Spock had eaten three of the four cactus leaves and nothing had changed. Ben didn’t seem concerned, but what if—

Jim put a hand to his queasy stomach. God, he wanted to vomit. Or maybe just curl up in a ball and never uncurl.

He’d told himself he could handle this. Could handle anything. But he’d been wrong.

This was like the beginning all over again when Spock had first been changed to a child. Daring to hope and then to have each dared hope squashed beneath your boot until only desolation remained.

_Dramatic much, Jim?_

He’d allowed himself to fall in love, to give everything to someone, and this was the result. His husband was gone, only a child left behind that really wasn’t the Spock he’d known, his career abandoned. His mind was incredibly disordered, full of depression and despondency, and he didn’t know if that came from him or the twisted and broken bond with Spock.

He wanted to-to—

Jim looked up at the top of the building he’d just past. At the height. Was it high enough? And did he dare? Could he? What would little Spock do if Jim was not there? Who would take care of him? Sarek had abandoned him. Ben? Could he care for Spock along with Demora? But how would that work? There’s be no legal precedence for that. And then where would Spock be?

No.

Jim looked down at the ground.

He could not, would not do that to Spock. He might not be Jim’s husband anymore but he was someone Jim cared about who cared about Jim and who needed him.

But damn this was hard.

He continued to walk, to wander around the space station. Some people called to him, trying to get his attention. Even though he’d left Starfleet, he was still well known. But Jim walked on, not stopping. It would be time soon for the fourth leaf and Jim could not be there and watch it not work.

Because he knew deep down it would not. Spock would remain unchanged. All their effort at a cure would be fruitless.

Eventually he found a park that the planners of the space station had built. It looked very much like any real city park, only of course, Jim knew it was fake, false, faux. Had he ever really considered being stationed here? He was glad he’d changed his mind.

Or was he?

Jim sank down on a bench.

If he’d taken that job, maybe Spock would have bonded with Uhura, and they might have been on New Vulcan instead of the Enterprise, and then they’d never have gone to that planet that changed it all.

Jim closed his eyes.

And he would never have known Spock’s kiss, his love, never had the best years of his life. Sure, they were over, but he’d lived them, had them, known them.

His communicator beeped. He glanced at it, saw it was Ben.

Swallowing heavily, he flipped it open. “Kirk here.”

“Jim, can you come back?”

Ben’s voice sounded flat, unemotional, void of any excitement.

“Is he…?”

“Just come here, Jim. Now.”

And Ben ended the transmission.

Jim waited another five minutes before forcing himself up off the bench. It took him a while to find his way back, he didn’t know it well, and he’d wandered far.

But eventually he found Ben’s place, his lab, and he stood outside of it for a moment, dread stopping him. He couldn’t let Spock see that. He had to be okay for Spock. He was the adult. He could do this.

Jim pushed open the door.

Ben stood there and no one else. Not Demora and not Spock. Jim didn’t know what to make of that. Except maybe Ben wanted to break the news to Jim in private. That must be it.

“There you are! You were gone for a while.”

“I-I got lost.” He moistened his lips. “Where is he?”

“Spock? Jim is here.” And just at the end there, he saw Ben crack a smile.

Jim turned at the sound to the side of the room, words already forming in his mind that everything would still be okay, when Spock stepped out to stand beside Ben, who moved away, full on grinning now.

Spock.

Adult Spock.

His Spock.

Jim fell to his knees.

“Jim!”

Spock rushed to him and knelt beside him, pulling him into his arms.

Jim touched his face. His hands shaking. Tears flowed down Jim’s cheeks and he realized that they were falling down Spock’s too. “Spock. Is it really you?”   

“Who else?” And that came with the rise of his eyebrow, even with the tears streaked across his cheek, and Jim laughed through his own tears.

“I can’t-I can’t—”

“It worked!” Ben announced, triumphantly.

He collapsed against his husband, crying into his neck, and he was vaguely aware that Ben left them alone then, in his lab, on the floor, holding each other.

“You are real,” he whispered after a while.

“Of course I am, ashayam.”

“I was certain it wouldn’t work.”

Spock’s arms tightened around him. “I admit to some doubts myself.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course. Up to this point it seemed as though we had tried everything.”

Jim pulled back to look into Spock’s eyes. The familiar brown that had the knowledge of an adult behind them. “How much do you know? Do you remember?”

“Everything I think.”

“I thought I’d lost you forever.” His voice broke and Jim shyly looked down, suddenly unable to meet Spock’s eyes. Feeling shame for wanting his Spock back.

“You could not. We will always be together. Any way that is possible.”

“Yeah. I…didn’t know how to believe that.”

“You always expect the worst.” Spock stood then and pulled Jim to his feet with him, and then wrapped his arms around him once more. “You are used to thinking, feeling that way.”

“I was,” Jim agreed. “Until I met you.” He smiled and leaned in to kiss Spock. "With you, anything is possible."


	18. Chapter 18

“What do we do now?”

Spock came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist, and resting his chin on Jim’s shoulder. “There are many possibilities.”

They were back at the farmhouse, having said goodbye to Ben and Demora. It was quiet here. A little too quiet, really. Maybe they should have gotten a hotel room in San Francisco.

“Well, yeah, sure. In the immediate future. We could eat, er, get _reacquainted_ , that kind of thing. But I mean long term.”

“As do I. We will have to return to New Vulcan eventually to reestablish our full bond.”

“Can’t you just do that yourself? Do your mind thingy?”

“It is not a mind thingy.” Spock released him but only to turn him around to face him. “Our bond has already begun to repair the damage done to it when I melded with you earlier, but I would prefer a formal bonding to be certain there are no further difficulties.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Whatever you think is best. I just know I already feel you and it’s incredible to have you back.”

“For me also. I suspect you speak about our future with Starfleet.”

“Technically we are no longer officers with Starfleet, either of us.”

“I am aware. But I am also certain they would take you back, as Terrans would say, in a heartbeat.”

“Maybe. But I’d want the Enterprise and they gave that to Decker. And I don’t want to be anywhere you aren’t. Not ever again.”

“I agree with that sentiment,” Spock replied. “That would all be something we’d need to discuss with the admiralty.” Spock hesitated. “If that is what you want.”

“Part of me does,” Jim admitted. “It’s hard to think of me not in space, but I’ve thought of it before, like when I almost took that vice admiral position.”

“A Space Station is still in space.”

“Sort of. But not good enough.”

Spock took Jim’s hand and led him into the living room. He sat on the couch and pulled Jim down to sit next to him. He was not exactly in Spock’s lap nor Spock in his, and yet, it was a near thing, both of them.

“What are you thinking, T’hy’la?” Spock asked quietly after a time of just studying Jim.

“I never thought I’d have a child.”

“And then you did.”

“Yeah.” He smiled faintly. “Are you upset about Sarek?”

Spock shook his head. “He is only capable of what he is capable of. I do not judge him. Life was different for him when he and my mother chose to have me.”

“Yeah. But still.” He squeezed Spock’s hand. “When I let you go, when I let them take you from me, I thought…”

“That it was the best for me.”

“Yeah, well, I told myself that, but I think I knew even then it wasn’t. It was stupid and really shortsighted. They broke our bond.”

“Not entirely. They could not,” Spock reminded him.

 _He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same_ _._

Jim realized Spock got the stray thought when his eyebrow quirked quizzically.

“From a Bronte novel. I think it applies.” Jim drew in a breath. “You said something when you were a kid and I wondered.”

“What, Jim?”

“That maybe I wouldn’t make such a horrible parent.” He shook his head. “Nah, it’s stupid.”

“I doubt that very much. Do you wish for us to have a child?”

“We’d have to have a surrogate or adopt or something.”

Spock’s lips lifted at the corner. “Yes, I am aware of our physical limitations in that regard.”

“It’s just that if we do, if we decide to do that, then going back in space, well, maybe that’s not such a good idea.” Jim leaned his head back against the sofa. “But then there’s where to live to decide. Do we stay here? Settle in San Francisco and teach at the Academy? Go to New Vulcan and teach little Vulcans?”

“Whatever you want I will follow.”

“You must have an opinion on it.”

Spock shook his head. “My opinion remains unchanged. If anything I have it more firmly than ever before. Wherever you go, I will go. Space, teaching, children.”

“We could explore the galaxies on our own.”

“Where would we get a ship?”

“I know this Orion Pirate.”

“No.”

Jim laughed. “Then you do have a preference on something.” He looked into Spock’s eyes. “I love you. Those three words just aren’t enough to convey what I feel but they’re all I have.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“That always sounds better.” He brought Spock’s fingers to his lips and kissed them. “If I had changed, you would have been so much better.”

“Doubtful.”

“You’re always better at everything. You would have been amazing with Kid Jim.”

“I think it would have been a struggle for me,” Spock said softly. “I look to you for guidance, for leadership. Not just as my captain, but as my mate. Without you I am adrift.”

Jim smiled. “God, we are hopeless, aren’t we?”

Spock laughed, a rare thing, a gift. “Indeed.”

“Do we have what it takes then?”

“To be parents?”

“Not just parents. Mom was a parent. Frank was a stepfather. _Good_ parents. I want to be the best.”

“We would do our best and that is all anyone can expect.”

“You are so philosophical.”

Spock gave him a look that said, “Jim, do you know me?” And yeah, maybe Jim did.

“Maybe this was meant to happen so we could, I don’t know, change our lives, and decide to do this.”

Spock shook his head. “No. There are no predestined events to live. It happened because I stepped through an unknown archway at the wrong time. Fate had nothing to do with it. And if we decide to begin a family it is because we want that, not because it is meant to happen.”

“Flawlessly logical as always, sweetheart.”

“That is always my aim.”

Jim was nearly bursting with love for this man, this Vulcan. Fate might have nothing to do with it. Jim didn’t know. But the Jims and Spocks of other universes were together and that couldn’t be just a coincidence whatever Spock said.

And what he did know was, he’d been given another chance. Spock was once more by his side as his lover, as his husband, his first officer, everything he was _meant to be_. And if that included co-parenting with Jim, then Jim welcomed it.

“You are the most brilliant and passionate and absurdly emotional creature I have ever known,” Spock said, pulling Jim impossibly closer. “I am very fortunate to call you husband, bondmate, friend, lover, brother, and, perhaps, co-parent of my child.” He paused. “Children.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular,” Jim whispered. “Did I get that right?”

Spock shook his head. “No, my angel.”

Jim laughed. “I’ll practice.”

“Mm. About that becoming _reacquainted_.”

“Why, Mister Spock, I thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> I appreciate your time.


End file.
